Last time I created my character. Or, I mostly did that. There’s another questionnaire to fill out. Luckily, it’s not nearly as complicated. So maybe we can get a little action up in this piece!
Remember this screen from last time?
Yeah, it says outright that we’re all about punching and blunt weapons, right?
Well, shit. OK then. Let’s try not to overthink these. Two of Coins. I’m choosing to say that means blunt weapons, because it’s not a sword or a staff. It’s blunt and plain and not-fucking-around.
What’s my motivation?
For that I got the 6 of Coins. That’s about sharing, so I’m going with “Helping Others,” but with a focus on money. I’ll just keep that in mind, I guess. I’m a monk who wants to distribute money? I’m Friar Tuck or something? I dunno. I’m Father Socialism probably.
I’ve been practicing critical-striking the longest, because I got The Lovers. Yeah, that’s weird, but they were all weird. No charisma options. It was between critical-striking and jumping, I think, but this deck’s Lovers is Perseus rescuing Andromeda. I figure if you lop Medusa’s head off in one go and use it on a giant beast then you’re all about critical-striking.
My childhood nickname was Scrapper, because the Four of Coins.
I kept a friend’s elven flail because I drew the 8 of Wands. The choices mapped pretty nicely to the four suits, with coins as, uh, coins, and swords as swords and all.
I worship Kynareth, the goddess of air, since I drew the Prince of Swords.
I drew the Prince of Pentacles so I have trouble resisting diseases. I decided this question, which is “what am I bad at…,” takes the card to mean it’s the exemplar of the thing I’m bad at.
I saved a pearl since I was a kid because I drew the Princess of Cups.
I am friendlier than most with the “immodest nymphs,” since I drew the Princess of Pentacles. Most of the women in this deck have their chests out. Maybe I should have chosen Spriggans? I have no idea.
I got a reward of 200 gold once. I decided to buy a good book, since I drew the High Priestess.
Nine of Cups leads me to train the most in punching. I’m good friends with a rogue.
Commoners like me a little better than average. The game just told me that part.
Big decision time. I drew the Judgment card, which is supposed to be Gabriel or Michael. I’m a lady, so I should be Gabriella.
Oh yeah. Numbers apportioned, here’s my magnificent badass with her fists of steel.
Now, let’s get out there and do some cool shit!
I meant listen to one of the developers badly narrate the set-up over a big book flipping its own pages. Then we can watch some sweet FMV of the emperor telling me to figure out why his bro is haunting his kingdom. Oh, and, unrelated, find his steamy letter to the queen.
Everything’s pretty straightforward so far. I equipped my trusty flail, and then a hammer, and then a club, and then the hammer again. I beat a rat until it was pudding, and plundered some money off an altar that’s definitely not religiously significant probably. Then I smashed a bat until it, too, was pudding. The imp was more difficult, requiring me to switch back to my precious elven flail. So glad I have that “gift” from Tony, or whoever it was.
On the technical side, the controls are so fucking bad. I mean, I remember what they were like, but I was like fifteen back then. I have played other games since, and they had better controls. Or, you know, controls. I shit you not, the game wants you to put the mouse up at the top of the screen to move forward. And also if you hold right mouse down you’ll swing your weapon. That will definitely not lead to problems or confusion. I approximated a WASD control scheme, but now I’ll have to check the controls for ages to remember how to open the map.
I met this nice lady who acted like she wanted to kill me. But she just kept walking into this table as though she wasn’t able to go around. It’s like she didn’t even know it was a U shape, so the back end was just open.
I managed to beat up this lady with my incredible flail. Then I found a bear.
This is the final remnants of a bear. I have no idea what it was doing in this old crappy crypt thing. It was behind an unlocked door, inside a barren room of cut stone. Like the rest of this place. Who put a bear here? Who has been feeding this bear? I have no idea.
I’m faced with my first tough decision since beginning my adventure. I’m pretty hurt, but I know there’s at least one more creature on this floor… I can hear it.
Ten of Wands. I’ve gotta go for it!
And I found another guy. I don’t think he was making the horrible snarling noises. I did find another mace, though, so I can give my flail a rest until I really need it. I have a lot of armor that I don’t know how to wear. This seems not so great.
That definitely paid off! The snarling was another damnable imp, in some kind of stupid wizard summoning circle or something? I also may have gotten… a little stuck in the bookshelves. I climbed them successfully once, and looted the stuff hidden behind them. But I couldn’t get out. So I kind of had to load a save file. But hey! Dead imp.
I also remembered finally that sleep heals you. Holy crap was I dumb. And I leveled up too! Huzzah.
I fucked up the skeleton! … On the second try. And it was one of those game things. The first time, I kept smacking him and nothing seemed to happen. The second time he hit me once.
What the shit is this?
No, seriously. What? I killed an orc in this room, and I found this fucker in the corner. I wish I could take it with me.
I napped, killed some imps and napped again. A lady showed up to remind me I should move on… by stabbing me. And here it is! I’m finally free. Nothing but blue skies and cozy fireplaces, right? Nothing but the best for the emperor’s pal. Can’t wait to see what’s on the other side.