Daggerfall in the Cards pt. 3

When we last left our intrepid hero, she was staring at a door that looks like a sconce devoted to memento mori. I have, seeking to be merciful to you, the dear reader, gone on ahead to Daggerfall. So you can take it as read that I wandered the countryside in the fast travel menu, made it to town, remembered to sheathe my, uh, flail, and entered the town. I failed to screenshot a moment when citizens eerily appeared from nowhere and began to wander aimlessly. Sorry about that. I’ve also sold all that useless armor and bought a better hammer. That’s about it. Let’s find some work!

I blunder around town. Let me tell you, I mean it when I say blunder around. Everything looks the same. It’s a mess. The map is terrible. I mean, once you visit a place it gets labeled, but before then you have no idea.

I spot a familiar tower in a wide open space. You may remember me saying, a while back, that I centered my childhood play of this game on the Fighter’s Guild. Well, there it is.


Yessiree, there’s that thing.


Aaand it’s locked I guess? The damn guild doesn’t open until 11:00 am? What? Well, I can loiter with the best of them.

Once inside, I discover that the members of the Fighter’s Guild are witless idiots.

No, seriously. I asked one of them for directions to the Fighter’s Guild. Which we’re both standing in.

020_guilddirections.JPG“Southeast of here?” Really? IT’S RIGHT HERE. The guild leader is equally dumb.

Should I join the Fighter’s Guild? I got the Hanged Man. That’s a solid maybe, but not right now. So I step outside again. There’s a nearby blue building on the map, and blue means guilds. So I wander over. The ankh makes me think it’s probably the Mage’s Guild. Here’s the first thing I see when I enter:


OK then. Is this lady a mage? Or a door greeter? Or, like, a hostess? Why doesn’t she have clothes?

I missed my chance to screenshot this apparently, but upon first approaching here I hear her say she hates people like me. Now she just never talks to me at all. All right then.

It’s not like everyone’s dressed this way, by the way. There’s some kind of link connecting all the people with no clothes on. If only I could figure it out… Oh! All the women are nearly naked. I see. Great.


That’s just great. Anyway, I have to decide if I’m joining the Mage’s Guild. It would be a terrible idea, since I’m a mace-wielding monk douche, but to the cards! I get the 3 of Swords, which is a pretty negative response. So good, I lucked out here. Let’s leave this place for another place. I still don’t have a job to do. Dang. I need some XP baby!

There’s a shop nearby. Let’s see if he needs any handiwork done. Or, you know, rats turned into pudding.


Holy shit man! What did I do to you? I have literally done one thing of note in this game so far, and it was escaping a fucking abandoned cave system / pirate hideout thingie. With bears. Clearly my wardrobe needs an upgrade.

I cover all the bases. I have slutty slut clothes and hottie fancy dress duds.


I look fantastic. I’m keeping the boots on, though. I’ve heard these Daggerfall folks like it with the boots on.

This… has no effect on the merchant’s attitude to me. Well, shit. Morrowind took clothes into account. Maybe I just had a bad first impression. Maybe the next person I talk to will think I’m awesome.


Well, he did think I’m awesome. But apparently he doesn’t know where the store is that he brought up himself. What, did he just read about it on the internet? Augh.

Someone finally sets me on the right track. It’s southeast. More specific directions? Nah.

I stop in at a shop on the way to the bookstore, because that is THE ONLY WAY to get the labels on the map. Looking at their conspicious signs out front? No way, man. I talk to this merchant to see of my thong/vest/no bra combo is doing anything for him, and he asks me to go on a quest!


This requires a card! And. It’s Death.

That seems ominous. So let’s say no I guess. Dammit! I need some work somewhere, right? Argle.


Save often, kids.


I went into the bank and this happened. Guess who hasn’t saved any of this nonsense? It would be me. So gone is my wonderful new wardrobe. Mother fucker.


Take two. I hit up another guild building and it’s the Knights of the Dragon. Everyone hates me. The old man in the corner offers to let me join the guild. I guess they don’t hate me enough. I draw the 2 of Cups, which is a pretty positive card signifying partnerships and sharing. Good enough for me. Who are these people? No idea. Let’s sign up.

Fuck. Apparently everyone in this guild gets free room and board at inns. Wish I’d known that in high school. I guess I should find out what this old dillweed wants me to do for him though.

I ask for a quest. The first time he says he had work, but gave it to the Fighter’s Guild What kind of guild hires other guilds — of similar nature — to do shit for them? I ask again and he says there’s an orc mercenary on the loose. The card is the Wheel of Fortune, so I guess I’ll say yes and see where that leads me. I have nowhere to go but up, after all.

Here’s the first mission, in the old man’s words, if you’re interested:


That’s some good old fashioned family racism there. But whatever. I can totally fuck up this guy’s day. Let’s do it.

Before leaving, I wander around some more. I find a blacksmith who gives me a sweet pauldron… that I can’t wear. And I find a guy who tells me I’m not highly ranked enough to get my house. So apparently I can get a fucking house out of these people. Let’s kill that orc motherfucker… after I sell this pauldron. And make a deposit at the bank.


So this dungeon’s fucking hard. I took a detour to deliver a package for an easy 290 gold, and then showed up at this fucking enormous blocky castle thing. The humans live in an easy alliance with giant bats and fucking imps. They all just wander around doing whatever. I mashed up several of each before an orc swooped down behind me. I don’t know if that’s the person I’m here to kill, but they sure fucked me the fuck up. Sorry I don’t have screenshots here, but I was busy getting the shit kicked out of me.

The rest of the dungeon will have to be Next Time On Daggerfall in the Cards. Dang.


One thought on “Daggerfall in the Cards pt. 3

  1. Pingback: A Passion Play pt. 1 – Better Living through Symbolism

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